In this day of disintegrating families on every side, Dr. Dobson offers three tried and tested recommendations to make your marriage last for a lifetime:
A Christ-Centered Home
A personal relationship with Jesus Christ is the cornerstone of marriage, giving meaning and purpose to every dimension of living. Being able to bow in prayer as the day begins or ends gives expression to the frustrations and concerns that might not otherwise be ventilated. On the other end of that prayer line is a loving heavenly Father who has promised to hear and answer our petitions.
By reading Scripture, we are given a “window” into the mind of the Father. Marriage and parenthood were His ideas, and He tells us in His Word how to live together in peace and harmony. Everything from handling money to sexual attitudes is discussed in Scripture, with each prescription bearing the personal endorsement of the King of the Universe.
Finally, the Christian way of life lends stability to marriage because its principles and values naturally produce harmony. When put into action, Christian teaching emphasizes giving to others, self-discipline, love, and fidelity between a husband and wife. It is a shield against addictions to alcohol, pornography, gambling, materialism, and other behaviors which could be damaging to the relationship.
Committed Love
There are very few certainties that touch us all in this mortal existence, but one of the absolutes is that we will experience hardship and stress at some point. Nobody remains unscathed. All too commonly, marital relationships are shattered by new stresses that invade their lives. Instead of clinging to each other in love and reassurance, they add to their sorrows by attacking their partners and blaming one another. A basic ingredient is missing in these relationships which remains unrecognized until hardship comes—commitment.
The importance of committed love refers not only to the great tragedies of life but also to the daily frustrations that wear and tear on a relationship. These minor irritants, when accumulated over time, may even be more threatening to a marriage than the catastrophic events that crash into our lives. And yes, there are times in every good marriage when a husband and wife don’t like each other very much. There are occasions when they feel as though they will never love their partners again. Emotions are like that. They flatten out occasionally like an automobile tire with a nail in the tread. Riding on the rim is a pretty bumpy experience for everyone on board.
What will you do, then, when unexpected tornadoes blow through your home, or when the doldrums leave your sails sagging and silent? Will you pack it in and go home to Mama? Will you pout and cry and seek ways to strike back? Or will your commitment hold you steady? These questions must be addressed now, before Satan has an opportunity to put his noose of discouragement around your neck. Set your jaw and clench your fists. Nothing short of death must ever be permitted to come between the two of you. Nothing!
Communication
Research makes it clear that little girls are blessed with greater linguistic ability than little boys, and it remains a lifelong talent. Simply stated, she talks more than he. As an adult, she typically expresses her feelings and thoughts far better than her husband and is often irritated by his reticence. God may have given her 50,000 words per day and her husband only 25,000. He comes home from work with 24,975 used up and merely grunts his way through the evening. He may descend into Monday night football while his wife is dying to expend her remaining 25,000 words.
The complexity of the human personality guarantees exceptions to every generalization. Yet every knowledgeable marriage counselor knows that the inability or unwillingness of husbands to reveal their feelings to their wives is one of the common complaints of women. She wants to know what he’s thinking and what happened at his office and how he sees the children, and especially, how he feels about her. The husband, by contrast, finds some things better left unsaid. It is a classic struggle.
What is the solution to such communication problems at home? As always, it involves compromise. A man has a clear responsibility to “cheer up his wife which he hath taken” (Deut. 24:5). He must press himself to open his heart and share his deeper feelings with his wife. Time must be reserved for meaningful conversations. Taking walks and going out to breakfast and riding bicycles on Saturday mornings are conversation inducers that keep love alive.
A Final Word
Married people must understand and accept the fact that some spouses cannot be what they want them to be. Their emotional structure makes it impossible for them to comprehend the feelings and frustrations of another—particularly those occurring in the opposite sex. What, then, is to be the reaction of their husbands and wives?
My advice is that you change that which can be altered, explain that which can be understood, resolve that which can be settled, and negotiate that which is open to compromise. Create the best marriage possible from the raw materials brought by two imperfect human beings with two distinctly unique personalities. But for all the rough edges which can never be smoothed and the faults which can never be eradicated, try to develop the best possible perspective and determine in your mind to accept reality exactly as it is.
Seldom does one human being satisfy every longing and hope in the breast of another. Both partners have to settle for human foibles and faults and irritability and fatigue. A good marriage is not one where perfection reigns: It is a relationship where a healthy perspective overlooks a multitude of “unresolvables.” Thank goodness my wife, Shirley, has adopted this attitude toward me
Adapted from Love for a Lifetime by Dr. James Dobson, © 1987, 1993, 1996, 1998 by James C. Dobson. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.