Help! I Think I’m a Bad Parent

This article is part of the Help! series.

Are You Self-Critical?

Let’s admit it, bad parents do exist. But are you a “bad parent”? If you think you are, is that better than thinking you’re a “good parent”? Do “good parents” exist? Isn’t it holy to be hard on yourself? Isn’t it honest to consider yourself a bad parent? We are sinners, after all.

If you are not a critical, downtrodden, self-tormenting “bad parent,” it might mean you’re an arrogant, delusional, self-affirming “good parent,” right? Maybe there is a “Goldilocks zone” of parenting where we don’t beat ourselves up for being bad at this, while not pridefully thinking we’re so good at this. Or maybe, no matter what, we can always find a way to be wrong. That brings us right back to where we started. So, there’s no way we’re not bad, right?

You Are Free

I often struggle with feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. It’s easy for me to believe that I’m not doing enough because it will always be true that I could be doing more. Always. It’s easy for me to believe I’m not good enough because I could always do better. Always. If the devil is looking for things to accuse me of, the list of my sins is long and obvious.

Praise God that it is not the inaccuracy of the devil’s accusations that sets me free or makes me innocent. The solution to thinking you are a bad parent is not going to be to just start convincing yourself you are a good parent, an adequate parent, or an innocent parent. It’s first and most important that you understand, in Christ, that you are a free parent. If you are free in Christ, you are free indeed. Not suffering-free. Not consequence-free. Not mistake-free. But you are free from sin’s power and shame’s dominion. You are free from Satan, the accuser, as your master, and you are free to follow Christ, your advocate. And you are free to experience goodness, peace, and joy in your home.

This next truth is essential: this freedom is not a result of the quality of your parenting, but rather it’s because of the generosity of your God. And if you follow God by walking by the Spirit, the fruit of that walk will be goodness in you.

Good News for Parents

Adam Griffin

This book provides parents with a gospel-centered perspective to navigate the challenges of parenting. With this hope, they can embrace their role with peace and confidence, trusting that Jesus is renewing both them and their children day by day.

That’s Not Jesus

On a day when I was experiencing a pronounced struggle with a sense of “not being enough,” my friend offered me a hypothetical. He asked me to imagine that my son got a note at school, and the note said something like the following:

My Dear Child,

I hope you are having a good day. I dropped off this note for you at school because there are just a few things I’ve neglected to mention to you lately, and I wanted to communicate them clearly, so I wrote them down for you.

First, I know you’ve been struggling a lot lately. There are some very difficult circumstances you’re navigating. I just want you to know that I’m seeing it, I know how hard it is, and you need to know your response to these challenges has been a major disappointment to me. I think my expectations for you were just too high. You have made a mess of your life, and it’s become something that is reflecting poorly on me. Frankly, I’m humiliated. I can only assume you are too. You’ve proven yourself to be a failure and a disappointment.

I wanted so much more from you. I wanted to see something so different, so much better. Your mistakes are making it hard for me to love and support you. I see a lot of other kids your age facing similar hardships, and it’s become clear how deficient you are in comparison. The difference is glaring.

I guess I expected too much from you. You have let me down.

Sincerely,
Your Father

My friend asked me how I thought my son would respond to a note like that. “I think he’d be heartbroken,” I said.

My friend shrugged, “Maybe. But don’t you think part of your son would say, ‘I don’t think my dad wrote this. That doesn’t sound like my father’”?

My breath caught a little. I could hear the truth my friend was sharing with me, and it touched my heart. My kids know my voice. My kids know my heart. They’d know better than to believe I’d insult them and discourage them like that.

Truth is, I know my Father’s voice well enough to know that the insults of incompetence I tend to believe are not coming from him. I’d been listening to accusations, but they weren’t from my Father.

I had perceived the accuracy of derogatory accusations and I clung to them because they rang true. I had heard the truth of unloving criticism and I wouldn’t let it go. I had been imagining the disappointment of God, but I had not taken the time to consider if what I was perceiving was actually coming from the voice of my Father or somewhere else.

Would my heavenly Father really talk to me like that?

You are free from sin’s power and shame’s dominion. You are free from Satan, the accuser, as your master, and you are free to follow Christ, your advocate.

If I, an imperfect father, would never say things like that to the son that I love, how much more so can I be sure that my perfect heavenly Father would never seek to crush me by rubbing my face in my own sin and shortcomings or that he would not frown on me just because I needed him? My heavenly Father has compassion for his children. I knew that. I was just acting like I forgot it.

Jesus says about his people, “I know my own and my own know me.” Jesus says his people hear his “voice.” I’d been struggling to truly listen to who was talking. I heard insulting accusations of inadequacy, and I was clinging to them instead of pushing them away.

I want you to consider for a minute some of the things that Jesus did and did not say. I’ll make a statement and see if you can tell if that’s Jesus or that’s not Jesus.

“I don’t like you.”

That’s not Jesus.

“Love one another as I have loved you.”

That’s Jesus.

“You have nothing good to offer.”

That’s not Jesus.

“If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit.”

That’s Jesus.

“You’re on your own.”

That’s not Jesus.

“Behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

That’s Jesus.

“Go away from me!”

That’s not Jesus.

“Come to me.”

That’s Jesus.

Take a second and consider the sentiments of inadequacy you might be enduring related to your parenting. Of course, you’re not perfect, but are you feeling like you have nothing good to offer? Are you feeling like you need to overcome the world on your own? Are you feeling like God is disappointed in you, and that’s driving you apart from him?

Our inadequacy in parenting is a great gift. If we weren’t inadequate, when would we run to Jesus? If we weren’t inadequate parents, how could we show our inadequate kids, who will grow to be inadequate adults, how to run to the Jesus they dearly need? How could we celebrate the goodness in us if it came just from us? The fact that our goodness is a fruit of the Spirit makes seeing it a blessing that glorifies God. May our kids see our good works and glorify their Father in heaven.

Adam Griffin is the author of Good News for Parents: How God Can Restore Our Joy and Relieve Our Burdens.

Adam Griffin (DEdMin, The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary) is the lead pastor of Eastside Community Church in Dallas, Texas. He is the host of The Family Discipleship Podcast and the author of numerous books for parents and children including Family Discipleship: Leading Your Home through Time, Moments, and Milestones and When Wrong Seems Right: A Kids Bible Study on Making Good Choices. Adam is married to Chelsea and they have three sons, Oscar, Gus, and Theodore.